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lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:29 am

So the purpose for this is to just post really funny things you have seen or gotten in an email or anything like that.


UPS airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold =ode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're light.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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Re: lol stuff

Post by Rainboy on Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:44 am

Moved to randomness where it belongs. Smile
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Re: lol stuff

Post by nginferno on Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:24 pm

LOL nice.
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Re: lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:42 am

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out
window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk
then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS .


IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything
in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"



IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often.
" Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car,
as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember where)
and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?"
I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge".
He nodded his head and said "Cool!"


STAY ALERT! They walk among us....and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE...........

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Re: lol stuff

Post by nginferno on Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:59 pm

holy smokes, that is scary.
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Re: lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:47 pm

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion , a Chimp , a Giraffe ,and a Squirrel

A Squirrel
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana from the top of the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.


:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.


A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



ok so b honest how many of u missed that
/me raises hand



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Re: lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Thu Nov 04, 2010 4:52 pm

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline



If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, you don't have to press anything. We know who you are & we are watching your every move.

If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will eventually tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, don't bother pressing a number. No one will reply, and you're just going to die anyway.

Thank you.
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Re: lol stuff

Post by Elric58 on Fri Nov 05, 2010 12:58 am

911 Emergency. Hold please.
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Re: lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Fri Nov 05, 2010 9:32 am

i saw a sign once that said "caution road wet when raining"
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Re: lol stuff

Post by SgtWidget on Sat Nov 06, 2010 5:50 pm

One does not simply...

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Re: lol stuff

Post by blackblade9 on Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:25 pm

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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Re: lol stuff

Post by SgtWidget on Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:28 pm

Chuck Norris is so awesome he can...

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Re: lol stuff

Post by GiGi on Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:10 pm

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Re: lol stuff

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